Jexorcist: The Last Saltbender
by WOFWalker
Summary: Crack-fic with an actual story. Angst… Shitposting… Sin… Salt. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when Sin Nation attacked. Only the Jexorcist, master of all four elements, could stop them. But when the world needed him the most, he vanished. A hundred years passed and my brother and I discovered the new Jexorcist, a salter named Kanda...
1. Book 1: Angst - Man in the Angst Pool

**This is a crack-fic that I don't think I plan on continuing. But it was too good to not be shared with.**

 **Collab with badlydrawnmadarao. Go check out the tumblr.**

 **Based on the Skype chat.**

 **Enjoy.**

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Angst… Shitposting… Sin… Salt. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when Sin Nation attacked. Only the Jexorcist, master of all four elements, could stop them. But when the world needed him the most, he vanished. A hundred years passed and my brother and I discovered the new Jexorcist, a Saltbender named Kanda. And although his Saltbending skills are great, he still has a lot to learn before he's ready to save anyone. But I believe Kanda can somehow save the world.

Freezing waters, smoky fog, and the angst pool. Those are the only things Lenalee can see as her eyes surveyed the area. Her brother, Komui, stands beside her, spear in hand. They are currently making their way around the area, in hopes to find the Hearthurt fish. Komui noticed one of the fishes swimming around an angst pool.

"It's not getting away from me this time. Watch and learn, Lenalee," Komui said to his sister. "This is how you catch a fish."

While Komui was focusing on that fish, Lenalee leaned over the edge of the angst pool, for she also saw a Hearthurt fish swimming in there. She took a deep breath and placed one of her hands into the angst. Suddenly, a globe of the angst substance containing the fish bursts out of the water.

"Komui, look!" Lenalee said.

"Shhh, Lenalee, you're gonna scare it away," Komui hushed his sister. "Mmmm… I can already smell it cookin'! We must take it back to Jerry soon."

Lenalee struggled to control the sphere of angst. "But Komui! I caught one!"

The sphere of angst slowly made its way closer to Komui. Just as Komui was about to activate his spear that he had personally modified, he accidentally burst the sphere, dumping a whole lot of angst on himself. The Hearthurt fish escaped back into the angst pool.

"Hey!" Komui exclaimed. Suddenly, Komui began crying. "Lenaleeeeee! Why must you do this to meeeee?"

"Stop it, Komui! It's your fault for now paying attention to what I said. I did warn you."

"But the angst!" Komui wailed. "It's hurting my heart so much."

Lenalee sighed. "Bear with it, brother."

"But Lenaleeeeee," Komui sobbed.

Lenalee slapped her hand over her forehead. 'This is going take a while.'

As Lenalee waited for Komui to calm down, she suddenly heard a noise.

"Komui…"

Komui, who had already quieted down, also nodded at Lenalee. "I heard it too, Lenalee."

Then another splash noise was made.

Lenalee and Komui slowly turned their heads toward the direction of the angst pool.

Ripples of angst lapped the edge of the pool. Lenalee and Komui stared as more splashing noises was made.

Suddenly, a hand popped out, grasping onto the edge of the pool.

Lenalee and Komui watched as the hand pushed itself up to reveal a very drenched in angst person. The person in question dragged themselves out of the pool and flopped onto the surface. Lenalee can see the body heaving as the person began hacking up the angst. Lenalee took a step closer.

"No, Lenalee! Stay away from that octopus!" Komui screeched.

"Be quiet, brother!" Lenalee told her brother.

Upon closer look, Lenalee can see that person is a male. Long hair covered the head of the man. There wasn't any article of clothing that's seen worn on the person's torso, revealing a strange black tattoo on the chest over where the heart is.

Unexpectedly, the unknown male looked up. Lenalee can see the pain that flashed through the man's eyes, the angst still in effect deep within his body. One of his hand slowly lifted up towards Lenalee's direction.

Before Lenalee can take the hand and help the man, she inevitable stopped by a particular sister-complex brother.

"Stay away from my sweet, darling Lenalee!" Komui then pressed a button Lenalee hadn't noticed before on the spear. "GO, KOMURIN IV!"

The spear suddenly transformed, somehow shifting into a huge robot.

"KILL THAT OCTOPUS, KOMURIN!"

"BROTHER, NO!"

But before she could do anything else, the male made a movement with the hand that he had a lifted. Lenalee watched with astonishment as some white substance began surrounding the hand.

'Is that...salt?'

Unfortunately, the man was too slow and with a loud bonk, Komurin IV slapped the man hard on the head, causing him to immediately lose conciousness.

"Kuh!"

The last thing the man heard before the darkness overwhelmed was this:

"GODDAMNIT, KOMUI!"


	2. Book 1: Angst - The Jexorcist Returns

**Well. Some of you want me to continue it. I gave it a...try?**

 **Enjoy.**

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 _Some time earlier..._

Somewhere in the depths of the angst pool, a huge white cube was wallowing alongside the angst. Inside one of the rooms of the cube, two males were staring at the ripples of angst that were passing by the cube. One of the male placed his left hand placed onto one of the walls of the cube.

The mentioned person is a male with white, shoulder-length hair, tied up into a low ponytail. Upon closer look, a brilliant red scar that ends up with a reverse pentagram on the forehead had slashed through on the left side of the male's face. The left arm is covered in angry red marks, covering from the shoulder all the way to the fingertips. His body is covered in a strange white article of clothing, revealing his well-toned torso. Tight white pants covered his legs, reaching up to his ankles. He wore no shoes and is therefore barefoot. Silver eyes gazed upon the screen that showed the surrounding angst surrounding the white cube.

Beside the white-haired male, the other male is smoking a cigarette. His long red hair slightly curled at the tips reached the middle of his back. A white mask with a small cross on it adorned his right side of the face. Rectangular glasses sat upon the man's tanned face. Unlike the white-headed male, the red head is wearing a black overcoat trimmed with gold outlinings. He wore black pants and black combat boots as well as plenty of garter belts. The red-haired man's brown eye stared with disinterest at the screen. He blew out a thick fog of smoke, which swirled around him and the white-haired male.

The white-haired male turned his head around to face the red-haired man, a nasty glare settled as his expression as he made attempts to wave off the smoke.

"Not funny."

"It wasn't meant to be funny. It was meant to annoy you, brat." The red-haired man placed the cigarette back to his lips.

The white-haired male scowled. "The name's Allen, if you haven't forgotten already, uncle." He returned his gaze back to the ripples of angst swirling past the cube.

"The angst's current seems to be a bit more active than usual. Do you know what that means, uncle?" The male called Allen murmured.

"That you are going to chase after the fucking ripples that has a 70% chance of being caused by Hearthurt fishes, Deep trouble Senguins, or Crying Burtles like what happened in the past few years?"

The scarred male turned his head again and shot a look at his uncle.

"Uncle Cross, I am very certain that that was _you_ who suggested to chase after it since you wanted to, you said and I quote 'Hurry up and end the goddamn search'."

The one now dubbed Cross blew out another breath of smoke – this time, in front of the white-haired male's face.

"Potatoes, potahtoes. Same thing. You and I both know that we want to end the goddamn search. I am sick of all that endless of angst that I keep seeing."

Allen huffed and was about to shoot back a reply when he heard a strange squeaking noise behind.

Allen and Cross directed their heads up towards the screen which was suddenly replaced by a huge squished face. The face, followed by the body, made its loud squeaking noise as it pushed past the outside of the cube.

 _Ssssqqqqquuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaakkk_

Allen and Cross's eyes followed the body as it slowly made its way across the screen. Upon glance, the being has long dark hair that flowed around the body. The face had sharp, well-defined features and the eyes appeared to be closed. However, the mouth seems to be formed in a grimace, for the angst surrounding the body seems to be affecting the body. Allen can tell the being is a male, for the man had no upper article of clothing on and revealed his well-toned body.

What caught Allen's eye is the dark symbol of life that was tattooed on the man's left chest.

It was the symbol of the Salt Nomads.

The body had finally left the screen, only the swirls of angst can be seen.

The two males in the white cube were silent for a solid ten minutes. Both had disbelief displayed over the faces on what just occurred.

It was Cross who spoke first.

"I told you so."

"…Shut it. We found him. We found the Jexorcist, and I'm not letting him get away. I'm going to change the course of the Ark to follow him."

However, before Allen could do anything else, a bang and another loud squeaking noise bumped against the Ark.

Allen and Cross looked up to see a huge…mammal now sliding against the screen. It was huge and white. Horns were protruding at the forehead of the mammal. Long strands of white hair mixed along the angst.

Another _Ssssqqqqquuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaakkk_ took place _._

This time, the mammal disappeared slightly faster than the Jexorcist, leaving a trail of white particles behind swimming along with the angst. Salt.

"…That definitely wasn't a Crying Burtle, Uncle Cross."

"…Shut up and direct the Ark, brat."


End file.
